Torn

One of my friends told me at work that I seem so torn. At first, I wasn't sure how to take this. I was confused if it was an insult or not. But, in the end, she is right. She went on to explain to me about my compassion and love for being a nurse, but that my desire to be home with my kids is easily seen on the outside. And she can tell that I'm torn between the two. This sweet friend has told me on multiple occasions that I was made to be a mom and she sees why I would want to stay home with them. But she watches me work and knows I want to be a great nurse too. Being a stay at home mom isn't for everyone. I know this. But, leaving my boys each night to return to work will continue to be difficult. I feel as if my heart is at home and that is where I should be. And I desire to be able to stay with them. These years are so incredibly precious and going by too fast. I want to spend my nights and days with them because before I know it they will be in school and growing up and never quite the same. These days are sacred. I want to enjoy them. When I'm at work taking care of babies, I can't help but think about my own babies. Wondering how Isaac took his bottle, if the kids went to bed easy for daddy, and how they were all sleeping. I miss them when I'm gone and long to be with them when I'm sleeping during the day.

 All that said. I also love my job. I returned to work 2 weeks ago (my how that went fast!). And going back was just as hard as I imagined it would be. It was so, so hard. I shed a few tears as I drove away. I did't want to go. I was nervous and scared and didn't want to leave my boys. And work was really busy, which didn't help. But- I just dove right in. God has blessed me with the opportunity to care for sweet sweet itty babes and make an impact on their mama and dada's lives. I love my coworkers. I love the little lives that I can help. And I want to be the best Nurse that I can. 

So ultimately, I pray that I can be a blessing to my work babies and to my own babies at home. I also pray that God can work in my heart to help me not feel so incredibly  torn. That I'll make the most of my days off and also make the most of my nights at work. That I can be a great Mama and a great Nurse. I want to use the skills God has given me at home and in the NICU. 

After that heartfelt blog post, I leave you with a picture of the three sweet boys (my three amigos) who have all of my heart.